Did you ever come across the pimple plagued freak you picked on in high school who, after graduation, joined the Army and came out of boot camp spit shined, ram rod straight, and tough enough to kick the crap out of you and all your slacker friends? That’s what came to mind after entering The Arsenal for the first time in years. A true veteran from the Communist Era and long recognized as an West LA institution, albeit a dingy one, it has undergone a head-spinning transformation. Expanded from one storefront to three by developer Jillian Spaak in 2003, the look of the original nightclub/restaurant was preserved while the addition injected a dose of contemporary cool in the form of outdoor smoking lounge, 2^nd bar and DJ booth. Originally, Madlib and I only went there for drinks one night when, perusing the menu for kicks, we were shocked to find…what?…a kobe beef burger? No, this was not The Arsenal we went to school with.

If you’re wondering why it’s called The Arsenal, let me tell you. The walls of the original dining area are chock full of deadly military gear. It’s a veritable weapons cache in which you’re less likely to find a fly in your soup than a grenade. In fact, I’d wager that if the NRA, GI Joe and the Knights of the Round Table ever joined forces to design a restaurant, it would look pretty much like this.

There are seven burgers on the menu, though top billing goes to the kobe “Arsenal of Flavor” Burger. At 13 bucks a pop, it’s on the expensive side, but that’s the price you pay for weapons grade ingredients: gruyere cheese, portabello mushrooms, arugula, caramelized onions, roasted tomatoes and caper-butter sauce. For a sidearm, the burger carries garlic fries. Madlib and I each ordered one, cooked medium, and readied for the atomic blast to the taste buds.

Prepared fast, the burger and fries were generously portioned and covered most of a standard white dinner plate. The bun was served sesame crown tipped to the side, revealing a hefty grilled patty and the afore mentioned surplus within. Before engaging, I compared notes with the menu and uncovered a bit of false advertising, the three tomato slices weren’t roasted as promised. Also, a bit skeptical about the caper-butter sauce served on the side, I sampled it before adding it to the burger. Not bad, just like au jus, so on it poured. As usual, I stayed away from ketchup and mustard, preferring the burger in its native form.

First bite made a few things clear, there’s a lot of juicy meat in this burger, a hare’s breath away from too much for my liking. The patty crumbled soft in the mouth as kobe is supposed to, however, it didn’t bring the thermonuclear firestorm of flavor the burger’s name implied. I sectioned off some meat by itself and indeed it was bland, nary even a hint of char from the grill. What did pack a lot of punch was the portabello, which I didn’t mind because I like ’shrooms, but some would no doubt find it overpowering. The gruyere was layered in two slices and never fully melted, resting on the patty like thin sheets of cheeseboard, interrupting the bite. Onions: check. Tomatoes: check. Arugula: check. Bun: check. Sure it was fitted with a lot of fancy upgrades, but the ingredients and execution were uncoordinated. Edible definitely, but this was a burger out of balance—one that claimed high rank, though lacked the discipline to carry out orders.

And let’s talk about the fries. They were straight cut and skinless, and covered in chunks of crushed garlic that smelled great. But c’mon, let’s be real, minus the spice these were the same frozen variety you’ll find soaking in hot oil at every burger-stand in the city. They were good enough, and I left no crunchy survivors, but don’t try to make a silk purse from a sow’s ear and pass it off as something special. There’s no honor in that.

Now I’m no burger snob, I’ll go lowbrow on the dollar menu any day and enjoy it just as much as a $25 uptown delicacy.The only thing I ask for is honesty and value, neither of which I felt The Arsenal’s kobe burger delivered. Far better as a bar, The Arsenal is unusual and without question worth a look-see. Unfortunately, it’s top gun burger was unpolished and not equal to the sum of it’s Mil-Spec parts. Ours is a big city, and for $13, there are a lot of worthier options. Bring out the firing squad.

Grade: C+
Case Closed.

The Arsenal
12012 W Pico Blvd,
Los Angeles, CA 90064
(310) 575-5511

Open Mon. thru Fri., 5 p.m.-2 a.m.
Sat., 6 p.m.-2 a.m.
Closed Sun.
www.arsenalbar.com